Sunday, January 6, 2013

what a fall/winter we have had...

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well hello blogland...
I'm not really sure if anyone reads this or not but that's not really why I write here...
I write here when I can... when I feel I have a moment to reflect on this little life..
This blog has really helped me slow down when my mind feels it's racing with so many things to do... with a thought to... wait a minute look what's going on... enjoy this... remember this... take a picture... write about it... I really helps me to totally be present in my family's heart.
and with the new year well... it's just one of those times that you try to be better doing this or that...
so for me along with my giant list of New Year's ideas...
this space may be a little bit to the top..
along with organizing the heck out of my pics and developing and putting into albums ... bla bla bla...
ok back to enjoying...

this image above is what I love the most... just letting our girls play.. be girls... be children.
play with a little horse.

Our fall went a little like this...

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our family from Sweden (my mother-in-law and step-father-in-law) came over for 6 weeks which was amazing like always!

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our photography studio celebrated another fun year!!!
(fun to have a pic of us every once in awhile!)

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even Pappa Mattias' Grandparents were over for a visit!

Happy 35th Birthday Mattias!
xoxo

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Pumpkin Season!!!

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so Isabelle chose all by herself to be a Gypsy!!!
thought it was so fun!

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some sweet time with Farmor...

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this day out at the fall festival was so much fun...
it's a special kind of day because it's the last day before my Father got sick...
I'm so thankful that he was here and healthy...
When I see these pics of all of us running about with no cares...
kind of the calm before the storm...
of course it makes me happy because we made a million memories...
but I can't help but be a little sad... because none of us knew what we were in for...

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there he is in the back of the line there at the corn maze...

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my sweet mom and the girls Uma...

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so the next day or maybe the next it really all is a blur...
long story short here is what went down...

My mom called in a panic that my dad kept falling over and was really sick... so unusual... he's as healthy as a horse!
(are horses healthy?)
and by the way... very close with my dad... very!
so... I'm worried... and tell her I'll be right there...
then she calls... he's not doing good... 
I beg her to put my dad in the car and take him to the doctor... just had a feeling this was different.
so off they went to the doctor...
I get a call that his stomach is bleeding...
he's lost a lot of blood... immediately go to ER!
so I went to the ER to be with them...
waited on testing... surgeons... iv's until like the early morning..
I headed home but my mom stayed...
I don't know how it all went down ... so fuzzy... but the surgeon said it was a giant tumor in my father's stomach that they needed to send a camera into to see if cancerous... the next day they did that and it was cancerous... the bad kind.
it was contained in his stomach though...
so then the next day or the next who knows...
he had to rest and get blood transfusions like 7 of them...
he needed to be operated on to remove tumor... pronto! so that he would stop losing blood.
my God... seeing your own father like this... trying to be brave but really scared out of his mind..
my mom trying to be brave for him...
acting like it will be fine... so he will think the same...
both not knowing what the hell we were in for...
myself trying not to throw up and knowing where all the trash cans are in the hospital just in case...
it was a nightmare! a true awful sad sad couple of days...
The surgeon (who by the way looks like Ralph Maccio in Karate Kid but talks like Antonio Bandaras in Puss in Boots..) -we try to make light of things...
so surgeon walks in and says... we're all set for surgery...
but one thing Michael...
The tumor is so big and we're actually going to...
REMOVE YOUR ENTIRE STOMACH!!!
it will be ok.. you're a strong man... you'll do just fine... you'll be able to eat small portions one day and get your feeding tube removed eventually...
...
ok... seriously... I am eyeing a dark grey trash can... 
my eyes were almost swollen...
my poor mom ... I cannot imagine what was going through her head... the fear... my God!
...
so in a panic I beg the Dr.... please.. is this the best option... is this the only thing we should do... ARE YOU SURE!
once they slice on in... it's done!
I wanted to be sure!!!
like 100% sure!!!
he got really serious and said...
if I don't remove your father's stomach right now, he will die today!
"Let's DO IT!!!"
we were pumped! scared out of our minds! 
so we said our goodbyes to my dad... and off they wheeled him though the ultra modern crome doors... 
felt like my heart was carved out of my body with a chizzel! a really dull one!
so they said 3 hours... tick tock...
It was really nice to have my aunt there and my friend from growing up and her mom there... so it was 5 women grasping for anything... praying so hard I think my brain hurt!
so much snot... such puffy eyes... shaky knees... CNN on the teli... old ladies with tears in the waiting room... I wonder what people are going through....
then after 5 1/2 hours...
We saw the doctor come in... we went out into the hall and I had a focus on his upper arm under a corner in his white jacket with his fancy silver pen... my dad's deep red blood...it was drying and turning darker... and his hair on his arm was wet still from washing up... I didn't want to tell him he had my dad's blood on his arm because I didn't mind...
He said ...
My dad is going to be OK!!!
Surgery went amazing!
he didn't bleed out!
He was in recovery!
...
Breaaaathing again.... 
now...
...
The weeks that followed in the hospital... ups and downs... tired... hurting... painful...
but my dad is home now and eating...
all the tubes are out...
they got the cancer out and there was one lympnode that had cancer and it was stage 3... but it's removed... but for precautions he is getting chemotherapy and radiation for 5 months.
like every week!
a bunch!
They asked the doctor how this could have happened...

STRESS

wow... what a lesson! what a wake up! NO MORE STRESS FOR US!
NOT AT ALL!

I can tell my dad sees things differently now... it's quite nice...
We have all realized how precious life is and how things don't matter... life matters... 

I remember walking to the hospital and sitting in the gardens watching people on their iphones stressing... mad... talking about stupid annoying things... how they didn't have their shopping done for Christmas... how they needed wrapping paper... how the weather was too cold...
I just wanted to take them to my father and say... 
does it really matter.... do these little things really need to stress you out so much...
no...

So that was a big thing ...
but we are pulling through and making it!
My dad's spirit will make him a survivor! I am certain!


1 comment:

  1. I am not sure what i want to say but i wanted to leave a comment in response to such a big, emotional and precious story. No stress. Just happiness - it looks and sounds like (from your blog) that you do a great job of that.... I wish for your father will be fine - better than fine - amazing!

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