Wednesday, May 11, 2016

ten happened...


It happened... our little girl turned 10... just writing that starts that lump in my throat to activate into a  pile of damn tears that I really don't know why they happen... could be I love her too much... could be the time just slips through my fingers too quickly... could be I can't do a thing about it.
I do try to slow this life down to a slow motion speed but again and again they have birthdays and the only thing you can really do about it, is have a good time celebrating this being that makes my heart beam with pride...
So I let it happen, I cried the day before, ugly cries, big snot ugly cries... then I watched my 9 year old for the last time and tick tock tick tock... she became 10.
a double digit.



We woke her with breakfast in bed and spoiled her with presents and kisses and love!




My parents surprised her when she got home from school with a basketball hoop! SO FUN! She saw it and ran to it with a giant smile! I think maybe every day she shoots some hoops and gets better and better...





I knew it would happen at least... I remember my Grandmother saying to me again and again.. "Enjoy your children... ENJOY THEM!!!"  She would clench a tissue in her wrinkly boney hands and wipe some snot from her nose and say... "I remember when my girls were their age..." My Grandmother warned me of this heart ache of children growing... she told me to enjoy, hold them, be there... but she didn't tell me how much it hurts when they grow right in front of your eyes... I think maybe that's for each mother to learn herself... experience that heart aching lump that enters your body here and there... for me, it has come at preschool graduation, losing teeth, crawling, walking, 1st day of kindergarten, and now turning 10. You know, come to think of it, it's not like she's moving out, graduating from college, getting married... she's just turning 10... 
those other teary moments will have plenty of tears for me to shed...
I am sensitive, always have been, always will... I used to wish it away, along with long eye lashes... but now I embrace my sensitivity... I also like my long eye lashes...
I love that I feel things with all my heart and I cry usually... well let's not even go there...
I wear this 36 year old heart on my sleeve and it cries and loves and feels and I don't care if the world sees it!
It's who I am...





We toasted her just like we did when she turned 1! 







In the evening I played a mushy slideshow of pics from when she was born up until now... I pretty much held my breath as she rested her long boney body on me while we watched this sweet slideshow... I had it set to the song that played while she was born... It was super beautiful and special and I felt like I was about to burst into a mess... so I focused instead on breathing... but then in the evening... as I was kissing her goodnight... she had crocodile tears in her eyes and looked at me... which yep I pretty much instantly cry whenever anyone else is crying... so cue tears!... "Mamma, did you cry during that slideshow...?" me... errr uhhh... well yes... "I did too... I just wish I could be a baby again..." The End... LOST MY BREATH... We cried together... I told her that each stage is something to celebrate and we can't just live in the past or else our future will not happen... I started talking to her and it was like words coming out of my mouth that I had no control over... I told her how much I loved being her mamma when she was just a baby, when she was a toddler... and now I am really loving just now... The only thing we can really do about this time, and life, is to really enjoy it! So we pinky swore to just keep having fun and enjoying life and to not be sad that things are different now... and I really like it!
So here's to change, growing up, embracing time, and loving it all!
Happy Birthday to our Isabelle Rose Marie!!!

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